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May. 21st, 2010

ana

new life

lmao @ my old posts.

my life is so different now, I moved away from hell , and I live on my own.
solidarity makes anorexia so much easier.
I'm still pro-ana till the end of time , and i've lost so much weight.
i've discovered a new amigo in the not eating struggle
SLIMQUICK,
this pills are my crack,
not eating , slim quick ,
my daily routiene

i've lost fifteen pounds
I will weigh 100 pounds ,
i will .


CW: no idea, i have no scale,
GW: 100
HW: 156

Jun. 8th, 2009

ana

(no subject)

oh my fucking god
im back 

live journal , i've returned
with an anorexic vegenace .


tomorrow i am vegan , i am empty, i am clean. 

Feb. 18th, 2009

ana

a month in the dark

so , i've realized that i've been away from LJ for a full month,
it's been absoultey unacceptable..
i blame the new boyfriend,
J, i love him and i want to drown him at the same time
i told him i'm going to go on a diet
his response
" i like your figure"
srsly, not even "your not fat?"
gah FML.


So , i'm doing the ultimate bad boy,
two week liquid (AS in water only) fast.
i'm hoping this will drop a nice twenty pounds?
as i've become an extreme fat ass.

I started my fast today and the best part is,
father leaves on friday for an entire week
that means six days where i can fast on my own
with no one else trying to stuff food in my mouth
It was hard, the first three for me always are worst.
Turned down multiple chocolates, fries, and everything else delicious
but within each bite is drips of lard.
much like my thighs:)

i really did get fat once i got with Jordan.
I completely stopped worrying about myself , huge mistake
As of today i officially weigh 130 , absolutely disgusting.

Cw: 130 < - - gag.
Hw: 156 < - - worst.
Lw: 120
Gw1:120
Gw2:110
Ugw:106

Jan. 15th, 2009

ana

daythree.

So , pretty proud,
It's day three and I'm not even doing that bad
of course I've spent the last three days sleeping...
so that is possibly a bad example.
And I'm definatly gonna crash tomorrow at school
Plus working Friday night should be just chipper.
Anorexic , is a waitress...
How Cliche ?

Regardless, I haven't yet given up
Dad made fish last night , my absolute favourite
When i woke up around six last night,
ALL i could smell was fish eveeerywhere.
It almost killed me to not touch it sitting on the counter
But I stayed strong, I was proud :)
And my hard work is paying off
considering now I'm down to 125,
I'm hoping by the end of my ten day fast,
I will be at least 118 or so , I figure thats reasonable.

Then I can go back to eating under  300 calories a day
and exercising crazilly.
I will be down to at least 115 by febuary ,
Can't wait for perfection♥

Ps Good Karma?
Found my wallet today after three months.
Hundred bucks in it ! 
Hooraaay.

Cw: 125
Hw: 157
Lw: 120
1stGw: 120
UltimateGw: 110

Jan. 14th, 2009

ana

wow, been a while eh ?

back on the ana train .
day two , new fast.

i got fat , don't hate me.
gained like four pounds, fucking naaaastt.
I'm attempting a five day fast,
see how i go from there
having a blood condition makes fasts even harder.
basically i got taken home from school
fainted in front of the office, just my luck
I can't faint privately..


trying so so so so hard, determined ,
110, i  will hit 110.

i miss drugs, being straight-edge sucks,
couple of dex would be absolutely fabulous
keep me up , keep me sedated.

I think dads getting suspicious,
at least my friends haven't figured it out yet
HATE when they get on my case about not eating,
i'm pretty positive i can hide it this time ,
i won't tell a soul , only LJ .

at least i have the day to suffer in silence,
watch some thinspiration , work on my book
maybe even throw in a couple workouts;)

gone to nap , live off water.
PCE. ♥

HW: 157
LW: 120
CW: 127
1GW: 120
UGW: 110.

Oct. 28th, 2008

ana

fattity.

Frusterationnn .
Extreme frusteration,

weight gained
extreme weight gained
128 < - - gaaaaaaaag me.

Fasted today, thank the lord, back in the groove.
suspected ten day fast
will last four days, the weekend is my witch
too many drugs to remain empty stomached.
Extacy mixed with stomach acid, seems lethal.
Maryjane and liqour, my weekend fun
shrooms on halloween , totaaaaally fucked.

This weekend will hold many many stories, i can tell.

Thinspo book becoming an extreme need
I've starte carrying it everywhere , remember the pictures
and despise the thighs.
the calories i'll enjoy now
ill cry about later.
OneTen. can't i be OneTen.

Try harder , and all will follow

 

Oct. 15th, 2008

ana

fast [ 2 ] ; day [ 2 ]

love cigarettes
like actually , I'm never hungry.
This is why when I was on my first fast I failed!
Due to the fact that I was sick , and not able to go have a smoke
cigarettes are god's gift to anas' everywhere .

I've barely thought about food all day
I'm so excited that tomorrow is day three,
since we all know after day three hunger stops altogether
so proud of myself for making it this far
without even a thought towards food
usually the first three days are the hardest,
well for me me anyways.

ana buddies keep me on track too ,
i always have someone to discuss my cravings with
or my general hate for seeing myself in mirrors

although I did have a bad moment today
E was trying to bring up my ana in group
when my social worker said i looked " tired out " 
E goes " yea well she isn't tired.. are you Kelly . hmm "
It was a seriously low blow
she even brought up Luke issues , in front of everyone at group
i pretty much burst into tears, it was bad

but she came out and appologized
it just really hurt ye know, because I've always been there for her
thru all the shit with her boys , and her family
and I'm not complaining, i don't mind after all she is my bestfriend
i just couldn't believe she'd be taking S's side .
regardless were alright now
so I guess that's good

weirdly enough Ky talks to me now , even after me and him had that thing
he's disscusing his relationship problems with me , which is odd.
i just had to add more personal stuff today
because it was an extreme drama day

ps i hate cops
there everywhere
I've counted seeing a cop
eight different times a day

go eat some doughnuts.. fucking pigs .

Oct. 14th, 2008

ana

fast[ 2 ] day [ 1 ] not hungry?

this is rather odd
I'm not hungry at all ...
like it's day one and I'm not even hungry
although I'm definately feeling the fat today

Made an announcement
to my group of amigos
my food is not there busniess
the food pushers will be no more
for ana jokes are getting old
and so are my excuses for not eating
I'm obviously avoiding all food
get over it ,
my body .. my rules ?


I will not conform to what you say is normal
Maybe I don't want to be normal
I want excellence, to be extrordinary
nobody got far being just average
the average woman weigh's 138
I weigh 127 ,
good start :)

fasting buddies are gods gift to ana's everywhere
Its actually more helpful then you think
when your tempted to give in
to a medium sized cheesey melty goodness
in your overly excited boyfriend's lap
then you remember the poor soul
refusing to let any calorie touch her thin lips
and she's doing it
so can you ,
and by you ,
i mean me .

Tomorrow will hold more hunger but I'm going to do it
I will not be a size five forever
and eventually i will shrink
because the fat kid isn't my style.

i want pefection
i will achieve pefection
and i will laugh as my perfection
is shoved down your throte


L's after school
mall shopping
extreme urge to purge in mall mirrors
i think there designed to make me hate myself more ?
ps my boyfriend is my life ♥
although he told me if i dont eat I'll turn to bones
is it bad this turns me on ?

Oct. 13th, 2008

ana

so now we restart?

agains we begin ,  is it possible to be sick of begginings?

didn't get to post like all weekend
stuck at my moms , dial up truly is a bitch
I missed LJ, it was sad;
So I'm really really really hating myself

fat x 3240348 .
i ate all weekend
startd with L , he made me eat ,
like i felt so good doing
then after im like fuck fuck fuck
you just loose your momentum
and it get to " well since i already did this.. "
and you just continue to eat
foods literally a cancer
growing once you take a bite
till you lying on your kitchen covered in rappers
jumpin over your sink with your fingers down your throte

im pathetic and i fail




going shopping with L tomorrow
good thing im broke
i dont want him to be all embarssed for me
when i have to go get size fives
zero! i need a fucking zero! 

ashamed at how i look
everythings pissing me off today
my hair looks like crap ,
my skin is too red, i dont even get zits anymore
i just get scars
baha at least im not one of those uctters anymore
cutting was so stupid .
 
tomorrows a new fast
except its a liquid fast, not a water only fast
ill drink tea/coffee/juice
i figure that'll do
that way i can excercise
getting back into situps :) gotta be skinny

the only plus today
first day in weeks im not dizzy
Pretty sure that means fat

also new thought : why are scales diff ! 
my moms scale said i weighed 130 i was like wtff
and i get home weigh myself at dads now im 127
fuckinn retarded
i need a non digital one

I ALSO NEED CIGARETTES
why am i not ninteen
grrrrrrr.

going to clean the room ,
beg randoms for a smoke
and run off this remaining chubb :)



Oct. 9th, 2008

ana

Fast ; Day Two - extreeeme .

so i stayed home from school today , just about died
more sleep then humanly possible
9PM=6:20AM
6:40AM=11:30AM
1:30PM=4:40PM
THAT
my friends
is a lot of sleep

anyone who's fasting i reccommend
sleep more then you've ever slept before
it calms the hunger headaches
and you won't hurt as much
fetaaaaaal positon x 328490234 .
Slept the better part of the day, was lovely.

Being awake has become the ultimate chore
lying on the couch shaking
i don't know how i'll handle school tomorrow
Four periods where i have to stay awake
a history test on top of that .
fuckinnn hell .
plus i'm out of cigarettes
nicotine with drawl isn't pretty friends
when your a fiending borderline anorexic

thinspo videos + scale weigh ins .
Lowest weight read today : 126
Highest weight read today: 127
Ugh the twentys' frusterate me more then anything
What I wouldn't kill to be in the teens.

D told me when he fasted for twenty days he lost fourty pounds
i almost peed my pants
fourty fuckinn pounds?! I'd be like into two digits,
Imagen that , me in the two digits
so small holy fuck .

ugh the neighbour and father are driving me nuts
biggest regret:
family room + computer room in the same place
i wannnaaaaa stab them both in the eyes
there piss drunk and being lippy .

man i could use an ana buddy.
im going to shoplift smokes
im fuckin desperate
more once the neighbour leaves
and father finishes his rye.

♥♥

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